


Saving Grace

by RuddiestBubbles



Category: MindCrack RPF
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-06
Updated: 2016-08-14
Packaged: 2018-07-29 18:00:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 10,527
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7694023
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RuddiestBubbles/pseuds/RuddiestBubbles
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>All he need was a saving grace</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is kinda short, but it's meant to be that way! 
> 
> I'll update the tags and such when the story progresses, I'd hate to give anything away

He took a shaky breath as he stood on the coastline. Water teased his toes, gently brushing against them then slowly retreating. His gaze was cast out over the water; his eyes watched the colors of the sun setting glisten off of the waves, which lazily rolled through the vast body of water. His hands were in tight fists, knuckles white, as he tried to make the endless shaking cease. A light breeze blew across the land, making his long hair fall in his face. 

He brought a shaky hand to his face, wiping at his eyes, where tears slowly started slipping down his pale cheeks. He sank to his knees, which had suddenly felt so weak. A small sob escaped his chapped lips as tears dripped from his chin, landing on his wrists; which is exactly where his gaze fell. He saw the scars; the scarlet lines that ran across the delicate pale skin. He was ashamed. He was contrite; for he'd made a promise he couldn't keep, and seeing those scarlet lines only made the guilt that ate away at him that much more prevalent. 

He felt the squeeze in his heart. He felt the weight of the broken promise on his shoulders. He felt the burden of it all weighing down his shoulders; making it feel like he carried fifty pound weights on his feet, which always seemed to be dragging. His head pounded from a headache that seemed like it would never cease. His stomach growled; for he hadn't eaten in weeks, months, he'd lost track a while ago; for he couldn't care. His hands continued to shake from the lac of energy. His whole body seemed to tremble, but that didn't bother him, not anymore at least; it hadn't for a long time, not since his world had seemed to crash around him.

He fell onto his side, hugging his knees close to himself as his body continued trembling and his mind continued to race. Images flashed through his mind; ones that made the tears stream faster and his shaking increase; his heart beat rapidly, and his breaths come in ragged swallows of air; which seemed to barely fill his lungs. His eye lids felt heavy, like weights were pulling them closed. 

Waves slowly rolled up the shore, licking at his trembling body before slowly retreating back into the ocean, which seemed to go on forever. He saw the sunset on the waves as his eyes closed. His world was dark behind his eye lids, which felt like they'd be forever shut. He could hear his rapid heart beat and his rugged breathing. He could feel each sharp intake of air, which never felt like enough. He felt the water brush against his skin time and time again. 

Each breath became harder and harder to take in; almost as if the air were full of sand; gritty and hard to swallow. He felt as each and every heart beat became needles stabbing him in the chest. He felt his consciousness slipping. He felt the unknown darkness pulling at his soul; whispering for him to give in, to come to the unknown, to give up. Those words swirled through his mind; give up. He'd given up a long time ago. He'd given up on everybody and everything so long ago. He had stopped fighting then, and he did now too; for he just didn't have any fight left in him. He let the dark unknown capture him, pull him under, he let it all go as he felt his consciousness slip away.


	2. Chapter 2

He felt soft material beneath him and cocooning him. He heard birds chirping and leaves ruffling. He felt each shaky breath he took; his diaphragm inflating and deflating with each intake of air. He slowly opened his eyes; letting in an almost blinding light. A white tiled ceiling, which connected to white walls, where paintings full of bright colors hung. He squeezed his eyes shut, taking in a deep breath, which was shaky and uneven. 

"You're awake! Thank god." A voice reached his ears.

He slowly opened his eyes again, letting the light, which seemed far too bright, enter his eyes. He slowly turned his head, letting his gaze land on the person who had spoken; a younger looking lady in light pink scrubs. The lady walked over to the bed, her light brown curls bouncing with each step. His eyes followed her as she stood next to the bed, grabbing a clip board that hung on the wall. 

"So, how are you feeling?" She asked kindly, a knowing look in her misty grey eyes, which briefly glanced at him.

"I-I feel okay... I guess." He says, his voice uneven and shaky. 

She gives him a pointed, yet soft, look. "Now Kurt." She says in a stern, almost motherly voice. "You were found on the beach at well past eleven passed out. Your heart was barely beating and you were on the verge of death due to malnutrition. That's not even mentioning the cuts on your wrists. Now, tell me how you really feel. No lying mister." 

He just stared at her for a few seconds, his lips parted slightly, bewilderment in his eyes. "Numb." Was his answer. 

"Numb?"

He nodded slowly. "I feel numb.... I just... I feel lost..."

Her lips pressed into a thin line as she glanced down at the clipboard, shaking her head slightly. "You're sixteen, correct?" 

He nodded, wringing his fingers together. 

"Did you live at home?" 

He gave her a pained look. "I live with my uncle." His voice was uneven and quiet. "My-my parents died a year ago." 

"Oh." Her voice grew softer. "I'm sorry, I didn't know." 

He just shrugged. "It doesn't matter...."

She frowned slightly. "When was the last time you've been in to see a doctor?" 

He shrugged. "I can't remember."

"Not for a long time I take it?" 

He nods. "Not since my parents..." 

"Well, we'll have to have a full physical done and run some tests." She glances down at the clipboard again. "When was the last time you ate?" 

He shrugged again. "I dunno. Weeks? Months? I'm honestly not sure." Was his shaky reply. 

she wrote something down before those misty grey eyes were on him again. "Last time you cut?" 

"The day I was on the beach." 

"So yesterday." She commented, jotting something else down. "We tried contacting your emergency number, but didn't get an answer, should we call your uncle." 

"He won't care. He's probably drunk or high." He commented off handedly. 

"Okay, so anyone else I should contact." 

He shook his head. "My uncle is the only family I have left, and no one else cares about me." 

She sets the clipboard down, her misty grey eyes landing on him again. "I'm going to go talk with your doctor and have him come in here and meet with you shortly." 

He just nodded as she left. He hadn't lied when he'd said he felt numb and lost. He always felt like that now. And he had ever since his parents had passed. He didn't blame his parents for his problems; he didn't have anyone to blame. He was just like this because he was, that's how he thought about it. 

His gaze flew to the door as it opened, revealing an older guy with greying hair. 

"Hello Kurt, I'm Doctor Harlent." He spoke, his voice deep and gentle. "Lauren has informed me of a few things." He cleared his throat as he sat on the edge of the bed. "Why don't you eat?" He questioned seriously. 

He shrugged. "I'm never hungry." 

"Do you know how much you weigh?" 

He shook his head. "No.... And I honestly don't care." 

"Do you see yourself as too big or not skinny enough?" 

He shook his head again. "No, I don't care about that type of thing." 

"Hmmm." He hummed thoughtfully. "I think you have a type of Anorexia Nervosa." 

"What is that?" 

"An eating disorder." 

"Oh..." 

"I'll explain more later." He said in his deep voice. "But for now we need to do a physical and such." 

He groaned slightly. "Why do we have to do this?" 

"We need to do this so we can have a better understanding of your physical state and to have an understanding of how we can help you." 

"What if I don't want help?" He asked quietly, playing with the sheets on the bed. 

"Hopefully we can change your mind." Was his answer as he stood up; fixing his shirt. "Now come along, let's go to my office for your physical."


	3. Chapter 3

He sat on the paper covered table in his hospital gown, which seemed to engulf his thin body. He felt awkward, but didn't say a thing about it. 

"Kurt." Doctor Harlent says, catching his attention. "I'm only going to be honest with you." He had a look in his eyes that had Kurt concerned. "You're terribly underweight and over all very unhealthy." 

"Okay." Was all Kurt could think to say as he shrugged. He didn't care. Not at all. 

"You barely weigh sixty eight pounds, which might I add is about one hundred pounds shy of a healthy weight for how tall and how old you are." 

"Why does it matter?" He asked quietly, his voice cracking.

"It matters because you could die if you don't start eating properly." 

"What if I want to die..." 

Doctor Harlent sighs. "You also have severe depression and anxiety." His mossy green eyes find Kurt. "I'm putting you on antidepressants. I'm hoping that'll also help with your lack of appetite." 

"Whatever." He says tiredly, not really caring. 

The doctor simply frowned. "It's currently six forty, which means dinner time. I'm going to have Lauren bring some food to your room so you can eat, which I expect you to do." 

"I'm not hungry." 

"I don't care if you're hungry or not, you need to eat, this habit of yours is very unhealthy." 

He just shrugs as he hops off of the table, landing on shaky legs. He held the table to balance himself for a second as the world seemed to spin. 

"See, this'll only get worse if you don't eat." 

He just shrugs as he leaves the office. He gets onto his bed in his room and stared up at the blank white ceiling, his thoughts swirling. He had thought for sure that he was gonna die on that beach; he wished he had, honestly. He didn't see the point in living anymore, he hadn't since his parents passed.

"Alright Kurt, here's your dinner, please eat." Lauren said as she sat a plate of food on the bed tray. 

He just looked at the sandwich for a moment. "I'm not hungry." He said weakly.

Lauren sighed. "Kurt, I get it, I know you're going through a lot, but you have to eat." She put her hands on her hips. "You don't truly understand how dire this situation is. You will die if you don't start eating." 

He just shrugged. "Let me die. I don't care." 

Her expression softened and she sat on the foot of bed. "Do you need to talk?" 

He shook his head. "No... I don't want to talk." 

She frowned slightly. "Tell me Kurt, what do you like to do?" 

He shrugged. "Nothing really. I just sit in the darkness all alone." 

"What about before your parents passed?"

He looked down at the bedsheets, drawing incoherent shapes into them. "Stargazing." He squeaked out. 

"Stargazing?" She asked gently, her misty grey eyes holding a soft and kind look. 

"My dad... He-he used to take me stargazing... He-he used to love showing me the constellations and planets..." 

"Were you and your dad close?" 

He nodded, feeling tears stinging his eyes and making his vision blurry. "Yeah... We were... He was my hero....." He choked out, holding back a sob. "He... He-he meant the world to me..." 

She put a hand on his knee, hoping to be reassuring. "What happened to him?" She asked gently. 

He just shook his head, unable to speak any longer as the tears fell from his dull blue eyes. 

"Shhh. It's okay Kurt, it's okay." She murmured as she pulled him into a hug. 

His head fell limply onto her shoulder as the tears continued to fall. He missed his dad desperately. He missed all the good times they had. He missed everything about him. He wished he were still here to guide him. He felt so lost without him. 

"Can you please try to eat?" She asked gently, holding him at an arms length away. 

He shook his head. He felt the furthest thing from hungry. 

"Can you try for your dad?" She tried, hating that she had to pressure him into it like this. 

He stared at her with dull blue eyes filled with pain. He picked up half of the sandwich and took a hesitant, small bite. "I-I'll try... For dad..." He said as he struggled to swallow the small bite. 

She handed him a bottle of water and rubbed his back soothingly. "He'd be proud of you." She spoke softly, her misty grey eyes soft as she gazed upon him.

He ate part of the half before he sat it down, feeling sick to his stomach. "I-I can't eat anymore." 

"Hey, it's okay. You tried, that's what counts." She said gently. "Thank you." 

He just nodded weakly before curling up in a little ball on his side. She gave him a gentle smile before picking up the plate and heading from the room, leaving him to his slumber, which he quickly fell into.


	4. Chapter 4

The next morning he woke up feeling groggy and in the same position as he'd fallen asleep in; a tight little ball with his knees hugged close to his chest. He didn't get to ponder the moment for long as there was a knock on the door, followed by it opening. 

"Good morning." Lauren says with a gentle smile. 

"Morning." He replied gruffly, sitting up. 

"I got in contact with your uncle." She starts slowly. "He dropped off some of your clothes so you could have a more comfortable stay here." 

His blue eyes flickered to her. "Did he say anything?" He asked quietly. 

She shook her head sadly. "Nothing much." 

"He doesn't care about me..." He said sadly as tears quickly built up. "No one does..." 

"Why would you say he doesn't care about you?" She asks gently. 

"He-he never liked me... Not since I came out...." 

The look on her face softened even more as she sat on the bed gently. She rubbed his back as he talked.

"He called me a faggot.... A piece of shit..." He managed to say around the lump in his throat. "He only took me in because he was the only family I had left..." 

She let out a soft sigh as she glanced at her smart watch. "Why don't you go ahead and get cleaned up, there's some towels in the bathroom. Your clothes are in the wardrobe." She pats his back. "I have to go tend to other patients, but I'll be back in a while." 

He just nodded and watched as she left. He pulled himself out of bed and slowly walked to the bathroom, his knees weak. The second he closed the door he felt a pain in his stomach and ran to the toilet. He spilled all of the contents of his stomach; leaving him dizzy and weak. He let out a groan and leaned back against a wall, his arm wrapped tightly around his stomach. 

He didn't feel like he could stand; his knees were like jello and his head pounded. He felt like bawling. He felt like cutting. He felt the urge growing ever stronger. He grabbed the edge of the counter and pulled himself up. His legs trembled as he stared at himself in the mirror. He looked horrible. His skin looked sunken in and pale, oh so pale. He saw a razor in the shower through the mirror. He grabbed it and used all of his strength, which honestly wasn't much these days, to snap the plastic, letting the thin pieces of metal spill onto the counter. 

He grabbed one with shaky fingers and brought it to his left wrist, which was far more cut up than the other. He brought the little silver piece of metal across his pale, scarred skin. It felt amazing. It felt like heaven. It felt like his saving grace. He brought the thin metal across his wrist again and again; not caring that blood dripped onto the counter. The piece of metal dropped to the counter when his shaky fingers just couldn't hold it any longer. 

Tears trailed down his cheeks as he stared at the droplets of crimson that resided on the counter. It was his. Of course he'd seen it before, but this time he knew he was close to succumbing to deaths embrace. He could do it. He could run that blade down his wrist and watch the blood spill until it was all was over; finally over. But, he sunk to his knees and put his head in his hands, letting the tears fall; letting out a choked sob. 

Eventually, after attempting to calm down, he turned on the shower and stepped into the steamy water. The shampoo made his wrists sting; causing him to wince slightly. But, he brushed it off and finished with his shower quickly. He wrapped a towel around his waist after he stepped out. He grabbed the blades from the counter and shoved them into the back of a drawer, hoping they wouldn't find them. 

He briefly glanced at himself in the mirror before walking away with a sigh. He dug through the stuff in the wardrobe and found a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt. He pulled the sweats on, finding that they were barely small enough to hang loosely on his hips. He pulled on the t-shirt, which had some stars and the moon on it, hung loosely on his thin, frail shoulders. The shirt, much like the sweats, seemed to engulf him. 

A knock sounded at the door, catching his attention. "Hey Kurt, wanna come with me, we're gonna go down to the cafeteria and get some lunch."

He sighed. "I'm not hungry." 

"Well come on anyway, you can at least try to eat." 

"Why?" He sighed. "I'll just end up puking again." 

She gave him a concerned look. "When?"

"When I went into the bathroom."

"That's gonna happen." She says with a sigh, placing her hand on his back. "When you haven't eaten in a long time your body just isn't used to having food. But, it'll get better as your body becomes accustomed to it again." 

He just groaned as she lead him from his room. They passed many rooms and a receptionist desk. At the end of the hall was a set of double doors; which lead into a large room with tables and chairs. Many kids his age were in there laughing, talking, eating. He felt uncomfortable and awkward, but stuck by her as she walked through to a serving area. She grabbed two trays, handing one to him. He went down the line and grabbed a bottle of water, a sandwich, and a bowl of fruit. 

She lead him to a table and they sat down. They were by themselves at the table, which didn't bother him too much. He picked up his fork and pushed the fruit around in the bowl, unable to find the will to actually eat.

"Eat?" She asked gently. 

He picked up a piece of fruit with his fork and took a small bite. She gave him an encouraging smile. He ate the whole piece before sitting down his fork. He gripped the edge of the table as he felt the pain in his stomach. He ran over to a trash can, spilling the contents of his stomach, which really wasn't anything at all. He gasped for air as he finally stopped throwing up. He leaned against the trash can gasping desperately for air. He felt the lurking feeling in his stomach again before dry retching. He sank to his knees when he'd finally stopped. He heard rushed footsteps but nothing more as the world fell dark.


	5. Chapter 5

He felt consciousness seep into his body, which felt like it weighed a thousand pounds. He slowly opened his eyes, seeing the same white ceiling as before. A soft groan escaped his lips as he slowly sat up. His stomach ached, along with his head. He threw the blanket off of his legs and slowly got up, making his way to the bathroom. He splashed cold water on his face, scrubbing his hands across it. 

He felt like absolute crap; looked like it too. He let out a breath and went back out into his room. He wasn't sure what to do; but eating was not something that sounded particularly nice. He went out of his room, looking around for Lauren; who had been helping him for the past few days. 

"Hey, aren't you the guy who passed out yesterday?" A voice says, catching his attention. 

He saw the person who had talked; a guy that looked around his age. Perfect blond hair, which sculpted his perfectly chiseled chin. Blue-green eyes; which seemed so deep, and a bright smile, finishing the look. 

"Y-yeah..." Was his nervous reply. 

"You okay?" 

He nods. "Yeah, I guess." 

"I'm Zisteau." The boy says. 

"Kurt." He responded; biting his lip roughly. 

"I was just on my way to the cafe for breakfast, wanna join me?" Zisteau offered. 

"Um.." He bit his lip harder. "Sure." 

"Well come on then." Zisteau says as he started down the hallway. 

Kurt followed after him nervously, his mind racing. They entered the noisy cafeteria together and went through the line. He grabbed milk and oatmeal before following Zisteau to a table of people. 

"Hey Z!" One of the people greeted. 

"Heyo guys." Zisteau greeted as he sat down.

He sat down awkwardly, feeling really out of place. 

"Hey! Aren't you that guy that passed out yesterday?" 

"Um... Yeah...." Was his awkward reply. 

"Kurt, this is Etho, Beef, and Pause." Zisteau says with a smile. "Guys, this is Kurt." 

"So what're you in for?" Pause asked curiously. 

"Depression and anxiety disorder..." He answered awkwardly, his gaze on his hands as he avoided telling them everything.

"Way to make him feel awkward Pause, jeez." Beef says, playfully slapping his shoulder. 

"Hey! It's not like Etho didn't ask the same thing when I got here." Pause says defensively.

"Oh hush, when you've been here for a year it's kind of what you're used to." Etho argued with a smirk. 

Zisteau rolled his eyes. "Well now that you've embarrassed the poor guy, you could at least return the favor." 

"As you heard, I've been here for almost a year, I have stage three cancer." Etho says, giving Pause a look. "Though I'm probably gonna get to leave soon!" 

"Unlike this jerk." Beef says, playfully shoving Etho. "I've only been here for a month; I was in a really bad car crash and had to have both of my legs amputated." 

"Like Etho, I also have cancer, but I've only been in this hell for three months." Pause says, with a look Kurt can't quite place in his eyes. 

"Shit." Beef muttered suddenly. "I've got physical therapy now, I totally forgot." 

"Crap, I've got a treatment too." Pause added, frowning slightly as he stood up.

"Want some company?" Etho asks with a knowing look. 

Pause nods. "That would be nice."

The three head from the room; Pause pushing Beef's wheelchair. 

"They are a crazy bunch." Zisteau comments with a chuckle, taking a bite of his pancakes. 

Kurt just stares at his oatmeal, stirring it absentmindedly with his spoon; not feeling hungry in the slightest. 

"Not hungry?" 

He shakes his head. "Not really." 

"How long have you been here." 

"A few days." 

"Not much of a talker?" 

He shrugged again. "No..." That only brought forth more sadness as memories from his past started surfacing.

"Oh... Are you okay? Did I say something wrong?" Zisteau asked worriedly.

"Just old memories." 

"Want to talk?" 

Kurt looked at Zisteau anxiously. "...maybe... But somewhere calmer..." 

"I know a place." Zisteau says as he gets up to throw away his trash. 

Kurt threw away his untouched oatmeal and his partially empty milk carton. He followed Zisteau out of the cafeteria. They didn't make it far before they were stopped by Lauren. 

"Ah, there you are Kurt." She greeted with a warm smile. "Are you feeling okay?" 

He merely shrugged. 

"Did you eat?" 

He shook his head. "No... I wasn't hungry." 

She let out a huff of air. "Kurt, you have to eat, you know what'll happen if you don't." 

He shrugs again. "I don't care... Maybe I want that." 

She closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. "Kurt." She says in an- almost motherly- tone. "I can promise you that's not the only option or what you'll end up wanting. Can you please just try?" 

"Whatever." He mumbles. 

She just sighs and walks away, looking frustrated and upset. 

Zisteau looked confused, but continued walking anyway; leading Kurt down a hallway and into another hallway that ended in a big window with a cushioned seat. Zisteau sat down and patted the spot beside him for Kurt to sit down too. 

"I usually come here to think." Zisteau comments as he looks out of the window at the beautiful park that looked peaceful in the morning light. 

"It's peaceful..." 

"Yeah, it is." He takes a deep breath, his gaze flickering to Kurt. "What did Lauren mean?" 

Kurt sighs, bringing his knees to his chest. "I don't eat..." 

"Why?" 

He shrugs. "I'm never hungry."

"How long has it been since you last ate a proper meal?" 

"I'm not honestly sure... I lost track a long time ago." 

"That's really why you're here, isn't it?" 

He nods. "Yeah... It is."

Realization and sadness suddenly filled Zisteau's blue-green eyes. "You want to die?"

"Maybe... Yes... I don't know." He shook his head as the tears started welling up. "It's not like I have anything to live for." 

"Surely you do!" 

"I don't have parents, my uncle hates me and he's the only family I have left." 

"What about friends? Significant other?" 

"I don't have any friends... Nobody likes me... Nobody cares..." 

"Why would you say that?" 

"I'm always bullied at school... They beat me up and say such hurtful things and laugh.... Do you know how hard it is being picked on and laughed at just because of who you love?" 

Zisteau just looked at Kurt for a second, seeing the tears and sadness and the longing. "They bully you for that?" He asked gently, his gaze never leaving Kurt.

A tear ran down his cheek as he nodded slowly. "Yeah. They do."

"Are they the reason you want to end it?" 

"Partially...." 

"What else?" 

"My uncle... He hates me; doesn't want anything to do with me. My dad... He-he passed from cancer a year ago." He let out a choked sob as a few more tears slide down his cheeks. "My mom... She-she hung herself a month after my dad passed...." 

"I'm so sorry Kurt." 

"It doesn't matter anymore."

"It does matter Kurt, it really does!"

"Why Zisteau...? Why does it matter?" 

Zisteau let out a deep breath. "Because you matter Kurt. You may see yourself as nothing, but I can assure you, you aren't nothing." He gave Kurt a serious look. "Please don't kill yourself."

"But what is there to live for? I have nothing; no one."

"Then let me be the one Kurt! Let me be the thing you live for!"


	6. Chapter 6

Kurt glanced up at Zisteau, his blue eyes dull; his heart and his brain waging a war. He wanted to put that faith in Zisteau; he wanted to maybe try for Zisteau, but he just wasn't sure. He didn't know if he could trust Zisteau, though he already felt as if maybe he trusted him a little. 

He let out a deep breath. "I'll try Zisteau... I'll try for you..." He spoke shakily, tears slowly falling down his face.

Zisteau wrapped his arms around Kurt, hugging him tightly. Kurt hugged back, finding a little bit of comfort from it. 

"Just don't kill yourself, okay?" Zisteau whispered.

"I can't promise... But I'll try to keep going." Kurt whispered back, letting the tears fall onto Zisteau's shoulder as he finally let it all out. 

He let the tears fall in streams as sobs racked through his thin, frail, and feeble body. He felt so weak; so tired; so drained. It wasn't even one and all he wanted to do was curl up into a ball and sleep. 

"It's okay Kurt." Zisteau murmured, rubbing Kurt's back. "It'll be okay... I've got ya." 

Kurt just cried and cried, unable to stop as the sadness spread through his body, replacing the numbness that had so recently been the only thing he had felt. 

"I-I miss him!" He sobbed, not even knowing why he was talking, but he couldn't stop the words as they flowed out of his mouth. "I just want him back..." 

"Who?" Zisteau asked gently, keeping Kurt wrapped tightly in his arms. 

"My dad.... I-I want him back..." He spoke quietly, his voice muffled by Zisteau's shoulder. "He-he's the only one that actually cared... I-I came out to him the day before he passed and-and he told me that he loved me and he would always support me and be there for me... He-he... He..." Was all he could say before he felt like he just couldn't utter another word. 

"He would be proud of you Kurt." Zisteau says quietly. "He would be so proud of you." 

Kurt didn't say anything as he cried, hanging onto Zisteau as if he were the only thing keeping him in this world, which seemed oh so cruel.

After a long time, the two just sitting there, one comforting the other, Kurt finally moved away from Zisteau, who gave him a small smile. 

"T-thank you Zisteau..." 

Zisteau gave him a smile. "You're welcome Kurt. Feel free to do that anytime you need." 

Kurt felt his cheeks heat up slightly as he ducked his head. 

Zisteau smiled gently. "It's almost time for dinner, you want to go get something to eat?" 

"I guess." Was Kurt's reply. 

He slowly stood up, his legs feeling like jello as he leaned against the wall for support as his vision started spinning. Zisteau was instantly at his side. 

"Are you okay?" Zisteau asked worriedly. 

Kurt took in a deep breath and held it for a few seconds before releasing it again. He closed his eyes and took another deep breath. His eyes opened as he released the air. He felt steadier. 

"Y-yeah... I'm just really weak..." He finally replied, his voice uneven. 

"You sure you're okay?" 

He nodded. "I think so." 

Zisteau looked worried and unsure as Kurt pushed himself off of the wall. He followed after Kurt, who started towards the cafeteria, looking shaky as he walked. The two got dinner and sat at the same table from earlier that day. The three other boys were already there eating and talking. 

"Hey guys." Zisteau greeted as he sat down. "How'd your treatment go?" 

Pause shrugged. "Okay I guess." 

"When's your next checkup?" 

"Tomorrow... I'm nervous." 

"I hope it goes good." 

"Me too." 

Kurt listened to them all talk as he picked up his fork. He poked at his food, which didn't look appetizing in the slightest. 

"Kurt." Zisteau says gently, catching his attention. "Eat? Please?" 

Kurt sighs and nods, not speaking. 

"What's with him?" Beef asks, giving Kurt a curious glance.

Kurt just shrugged when Zisteau looked at him questioningly. 

"He has an eating disorder." 

"Oh..." All three said in unison. 

Kurt ignored them as he took tentative bites of his mashed potatoes. 

"I heard you actually walked today Beef!" Pause says with a bright smile. 

"Yeah." Beef says sheepishly. "The prosthetics they gave me are weird, but at least it's better than a wheelchair." 

"Then why are you still in your wheelchair?" 

"Because I can't actually walk without help and even then it's a struggle." 

"You'll get it soon enough Beef! I'm sure of it!" Etho says encouragingly. 

"The doc said as soon as I can walk on my own I'll be able to leave! I'm excited for it!" 

"Sooner than any of us." Pause says sadly. 

"Come on Pause, I'm sure you'll be able to go home soon too." 

"I hope so. I miss my family." 

Kurt glanced up at them finally, tears glistening in his eyes again. "C-can we not talk about family?" He asks quietly, struggling to keep from crying. 

"Touchy subject?" 

He nods. 

"Sorry." Beef apologizes, giving Kurt a hesitant smile. 

He went back to slowly eating his food. He had actually managed to eat at least half of what he had gotten. His stomach hurt, but not to the extent that he felt like he was going to throw up again. 

"Well we're gonna go play a board game, feel free to join us." Etho says as Pause, Beef, and himself get up. 

"We might join you later." Zisteau says, giving Kurt a glance. 

They nod as they head from the room, Pause pushing Beef's wheelchair. 

Kurt pushed the tray of food away from himself slightly. "I'm done." He said quietly. 

Zisteau gave him an encouraging smile. "Thank you for trying." 

He bit his lip slightly, looking at Zisteau with sad eyes. "Don't leave me yet?" 

"I won't." Zisteau gives him a gentle smile. 

"I-I just.... If you leave I might.... I might do something to myself." 

"You mean...?" 

"Cut myself." He spoke, his voice almost inaudible. 

"Oh." Zisteau lips fell to a thin line. "Then I won't leave your side." 

They threw their trash away and went to Kurt's room, where they sat on his bed facing each other. 

"What do you normally do here?" Kurt asks curiously, trying to keep his mind off of everything. 

"Play games, read, talk with the guys." Zisteau shrugs. "There's not too much to do." 

Kurt was silent for a second, though a thought crossed his mind. "You never told me why you're here." 

"Oh." Zisteau says, his lips falling to a thin line. "Just some heart problems." 

Kurt gave him a questioning look. 

Zisteau sighed. "I have a really weak heart..." He bit his lip. "And I have a pace maker right now; I have for as long as I can remember, but it's only temporary while I wait for a heart transplant." 

"Oh... But you're okay, right?"

"Yeah, I think I'll be okay... The doctors say it's questionable if I don't get the transplant soon... But I'm hopeful." 

Kurt gulped. "How soon do you think you'll get it?"

Zisteau shrugs. "Not sure. But I know my name isn't that high on the list. But the doctors say that the pacemaker should keep me alive till then... Or so they hope." 

"What is it like having a pacemaker?" 

"Doesn't really feel any different I guess... It was painful at first because of the incision, but it's better now." 

Kurt looks at him curiously. "How does it even work?" 

"Basically, it monitors my heartbeat and makes sure it's beating properly and corrects it when it's not." 

"Sounds scary..."

"It is, but it's the only thing keeping me going." 

"How long have you been here?" Kurt asks after a moment or two of silence. 

"Nine months." Zisteau answers sadly. 

"Have you been waiting that long for the transplant?"

Zisteau nods. "Yeah, I have."

"Why don't they let you go home?"

"Because I have such a weak heart they're afraid of what'll happen if I do leave and they can't keep a close eye on me." 

"I'm sorry." Was all Kurt could think to say. 

"It's okay." Zisteau gives him a small smile. "It's not like my stay hasn't been that bad." 

A small smile tugs at Kurt's lips. "That's good." 

"Yeah, I mean I met Etho, Beef, and Pause and now you." 

"I'm just glad you're gonna be here with me..." Kurt admits quietly. 

"I'm glad I'm gonna be here with you too." 

They sat in silence for a few moments as that thought hung in the air. They were glad they had each other. They hadn't even known each other for more than a day, yet they were glad they had each other. Kurt stared at him for a moment, just thinking. He hadn't felt this okay in a long time. And, Zisteau was the one who made him feel that way. Actually, Zisteau made him actually feel emotions again instead of always feeling numb. 

A knock on the door snapped Kurt from his thoughts. "Alright Z, you gotta head to your room for your nightly routine and then lights out." Lauren says as she enters the room. 

"Alright." Zisteau frowns slightly. "I'll see you tomorrow at breakfast?" 

Kurt nods. "Yeah, I'll see you at breakfast." 

"Night Kurt, sleep well." 

"You too." Kurt says as Zisteau heads from the room, leaving Lauren and himself. 

"Did you eat?" She asked curiously as she stood beside the bed where he sat. 

He nodded. "I ate some of my dinner." 

She smiled brightly at him. "That's amazing Kurt!" 

He smiled slightly. "I didn't throw up either." 

"That's even better!" She beamed at him. "Was Z the reason you ate?" 

He nodded. "Yeah... We had a talk earlier and... Yeah..." Was all he could seem to say. 

"Well I'm glad. The sooner you get to a healthy weight, the sooner you get to leave." 

He let out a sigh. "Great... That's exactly what I want... To go back to my uncle..."

"Well let's not think about that right now, okay?" 

He just shrugged. "Sure."

"Anyway, you're starting the anti-depressants tomorrow. Should help with your eating issues a little too." 

"Alright." He nodded. 

"Lights out is at ten." She gives him a smile as she heads towards the door. "Night Kurt." 

"Night." 

She closes the door gently behind her as she leaves the room. It was only nine, but he was feeling overly tired. He got up and went to the bathroom. He brushed his teeth and ran a comb through his messy brown hair. After he'd finished he went back to his bed and curled up under the blankets, quickly falling asleep.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Feelings are brought to the table, literally

He woke up the next morning feeling well rested. He got out of bed and padded his way to the bathroom. As he was washing his hands he looked at himself in the mirror. He saw his pale, sunken in skin. He saw his dull blue eyes. He saw messy hair; which definitely needed a trim. He shook his head as he left the bathroom to get dressed. He pulled on a pair of loose fitting jeans and a t-shirt, which was baggy and hung loosely on his shoulders. 

He headed to the cafeteria and got the same breakfast as the previous day. He went to the table Zisteau sat at and took a seat. 

"Hey Kurt." Etho greeted.

"Hey." He responded with a small smile. 

"You were saying something E?" Beef says, catching Etho's attention. 

"Right. The doc says I can go home at the end of the month." 

"That's amazing Etho!" 

Etho smiles brightly. "I can't wait to be home again. I miss Seth." 

"Didn't he visit earlier this month?" 

Etho nodded. "Yeah, but with the distance he doesn't get to visit often and I miss my boyfriend." 

Pause laughs with a smirk. "And all those sexy times you guys have." 

Etho's face quickly turns a deep red. "For the record, we haven't uh... Done 'that' in over a year..." 

"It was that talk you got from the doc, wasn't it?" 

"Oh hush." 

"Whatcha guys talking about?" Zisteau asks as he sits down.

"Etho's sex life." Beef says with a smirk.

"Or lac there of." Pause adds, sticking his tongue out at Etho. 

"Oh hush Pause, it's not like you've had any action in a long time either." Etho says with a smug grin.

Pause just rolls his eyes. "Well what about you Kurt? Any one special in your life?" 

Kurt bit his lip and shook his head as he took a deep breath. He was okay. He was fine. He was far from both, but he wanted to be both so much. 

"Actually he does." Zisteau says, giving Kurt a smile. 

"Oh?" Etho asks, giving him a curious look. 

"He sure does." Zisteau puts an arm around Kurt's shoulder, giving him a bright smile. 

That made a smile tug at Kurt's lips as he gazed up into Zisteau's blue-green eyes. He didn't know Zisteau liked him. But, those words he had spoken swirled through his head; _Then let me be the one Kurt! Let me be the thing you live for!_

"That's adorable." Beef says, resting his head on his hands; his elbows propped up on the table. 

Kurt felt his cheeks heat up as he glanced down at his partially eaten oatmeal. He felt happiness bubbling to the surface; though it was very minor, but still there. 

"Good morning guys." Lauren greeted with a warm smile. "Zisteau, you're needed in your room; doctor needs to talk to you." She directed at Zisteau before turning her gaze to Kurt. "And Kurt, I need you to come with me, we have a few things to discuss." 

Kurt nods and stands up. 

"I'll talk to you later." Zisteau says, placing a kiss on Kurt's cheek.

Kurt's cheeks flame red as he follows Lauren back to his room. He sat on his bed and looked at her expectantly. 

"Firstly, you need to take your anti-depressants." She says, handing him a glass of water and a pill. 

He took it and sat the cup down, waiting for her to talk again. 

"So, your uncle, he has put you up for adoption." 

"He-he what?" 

"There were some vulgar words exchanged between him and the adoption agency; who have taken away his 'fit to raise a child' title."

"I knew I had no one..." 

"Hey now, don't think that, you have Zisteau." 

"Zisteau.... Yeah.... I have him." He says, bitting his lip. 

"See." She says with a smile. "And I'll always be here for you." She adds with a gentle smile. 

"Thank you." He mouths, his voice getting caught in his throat. 

She gives him a quick hug. 

"What did they need to talk to Zisteau about?" He asks after a few moments. 

"Not sure, they didn't tell me, sorry." 

"It's okay..." 

She glanced down at her smart watch with her lips set in a thin line. "I have to go take care of some things."

"Alright." 

She gives him a smile as she leaves the room. He sits on his bed for a second, just thinking; though his thoughts were interrupted when a voice called to him. 

"Hey Z." He greets with a smile. 

"Hey Kurt." Zisteau says as he sits across from Kurt on the bed. 

"What did the doctor want?" 

"Well..." Zisteau started, bitting his lip slightly. "I'm next on the list for a transplant." 

"That's good, right?" 

"Yeah, but it could still take months." He paused briefly. "They also told me that I have to have surgery Friday." 

His face went pale. "W-why?" 

Zisteau smiled gently at him, taking his hand in his own; twining their fingers together gently. "It's nothing too serious, just a battery change for my pacemaker."

"Oh..." 

"It's nothing to worry about, I promise." 

"Okay." 

It fell silent between the two for a while. The silence was comfortable as he stared at their hands, which were held together. 

"Why did you say that earlier?" He asks quietly, his gaze flickering from their hands to Zisteau's face.

"I said that because I want to be here for you." He said gently, brushing his thumb along Kurt's cheek. 

A shudder ran through Kurt. "Y-you mean...?" 

"Yes, I do mean in that way. You're a sweet guy Kurt, and I like you. I want to be someone you can rely on emotionally. I want to be there for you in every way possible. I want to be with you Kurt." 

"I-I want that too..." 

Zisteau slowly leaned in, his eyes slowly closing as their lips met. He felt a hand brush against his face as fingers found their way to his hair, where they tangled in the blond strands. Moments later their lips parted, though they didn't drift far apart. Kurt felt the squeeze in his heart; a feeling he'd never felt before, and it excited him. It was amazing and he never wanted the feeling to go away. 

"I-I've never felt this.... Amazing before." Kurt murmurs, his breaths ghosting on Zisteau's lips. 

"I haven't either." Zisteau breathes out, his gaze never leaving Kurt's. 

"Never leave me..." 

"I wouldn't dream of it."


	8. Chapter 8

"Eat? Please?" Zisteau says gently, his gaze on Kurt. 

"I-I'm worried sick Z.... I don't think I can stomach anything." 

"I told you, this is just a simple surgery, nothing will go wrong and I'll be perfectly fine." 

"I can't loose you..." 

"You won't, I promise." Zisteau gives his hand a gentle squeeze. "Now eat, please." 

Kurt nodded slightly. He ate a tiny bit of the food, but didn't end up eating much, for he felt sick to his stomach.

"Thank you for trying." 

Kurt just shrugs. 

"Hey, look at me." Zisteau says gently. 

Kurt lets his gaze meet Zisteau's.

Zisteau stroked Kurt's cheek gently. "Kurt, I promise you that this will go well and I'll be right by your side as soon as I can." 

Kurt let's out a deep breath. "I trust you... I just can't help but worry." 

"I understand completely." Zisteau gives Kurt's hand a gentle squeeze. "But it'll be okay." 

Kurt bites his lip, trying to ignore the anxious feeling in his stomach. Zisteau pressed his lips to Kurt's, kissing him gently. The feeling instantly made all of Kurt's worries and insecurities fall from existence. Though, the blissfulness didn't last long as their lips parted. 

"Alright Zisteau, we've gotta get you prepped for surgery." Lauren says with a gentle smile. 

"Okay." Zisteau replies, his gaze briefly flickering to her. "Can you make sure Kurt knows exactly when my surgery is over?" 

"Of course." 

"I'll see you later?"

"Y-yeah." Kurt says, his voice faltering.

Their gazes met briefly before Kurt left the room; retreating to his own before Zisteau had to see him cry. He paced the length of his room anxiously. His nerves were shot and he just couldn't help the feeling bubbling inside of him. He went to the bathroom and locked the door. Before he could even try to stop himself, he had a blade held between his fingers, which hovered above his wrist. 

Tears blinded his vision as he brought the thin piece of metal across his wrist. One thin deep cut after another; which made his wrist full of bright scarlet lines, along with the dull and faded ones. He quickly found the edge of the tub as his knees gave out. He put his head in his hands as the tears kept falling and the anxiety continued to swirl up a storm throughout his body. He squeezed his eyes shut, hoping that would block out the anxiety as he tried and tried for the longest time to try and calm himself.

Which, really just wasn't working as every single thing that could go wrong with Zisteau's surgery passed through his brain. One thought kept crossing his mind: _I can't loose him too._ He knew it was so true. He hadn't known Zisteau long, but he felt a dependence in him already. If anything were to happen to him, then he knew he just wouldn't be able to face the world. _I'd be six feet under without a second thought._ That thought didn't scare him; not one bit actually.

At one point, a long, long time ago, that single little thought would've had him scared shitless. But, that had been when he still had parents and friends who cared. Now, now all he had was Zisteau; he hoped. He finally got off of the edge of the tub and stashed away the blade and cleaned up any blood that happened to have gotten on the counter. He ran a damp cloth over his wrist before heading back into his room. 

He didn't know what to do; especially with the anxiety eating away at him slowly. He glanced to the clock, seeing that it was lunch time. He hadn't even realized he'd spent that long just sitting and thinking in the bathroom. He shook his head slightly as he made his way to the cafeteria. He grabbed a sandwich and a bag of chips and a sweet tea before heading to their usual table; where he found Beef, Pause, and Etho, just like always. He sat down and let out a deep sigh.

"You okay dude?" Pause asks around a mouthful of food. 

"No." He replied, not caring about trying to act okay at this point. 

"What's wrong?" That earned a smack to the arm from Beef; who moved his wheelchair beside Kurt.

"Hey, don't stress, he'll be okay." 

"But what if he's not?" He whispers, his voice broken as he wringed his fingers together anxiously. 

"But he will be; all of the doctors here are trained professionals and they know how to do their job." 

He just sighs, unable to find the will to argue. 

"Your wrist?" Beef asks gently, his voice a whisper. 

"I-I couldn't take the pressure...." 

"How often?" 

He shrugs. "Whenever I get the urges, I guess." 

"You can come talk to me, you know, whenever you get these urges. I'd be happy to help you through them." 

"T-thanks Beef." He says with a hesitant smile. 

"Now, try to eat." 

He sighed, not seeing the point in arguing anymore; it never got him anywhere. He ate most of his sandwich, but didn't touch the chips he'd grabbed. All the while, the other three were talking between themselves, arguing about some 'racing' game.

"Kurt, are you any good at racing games?" Beef asks, bringing the quiet boy into the conversation. 

He shrugs. "I guess." 

"You know, we should all go play and see just who is better." Etho says. 

"I bet it'll be me." Pause says with a cheeky grin. 

"Suuuuure it will." Etho smirks. 

"Bring it bro!" 

"Oh, I will." 

He can't help but smile as he watches the two argue with Beef in the middle sighing silently, almost makes a little bit of his anxiousness lift. Almost. 

"Come on then, let's go play." Beef announces, pushing back from the table.

He hesitantly followed the trio from the cafeteria and into a decent sized room just a little ways down the hall. A semi nice  tv was set up against a wall with a Wii and an Xbox plugged in. Pause helped Beef onto the couch as Etho plopped down beside the two. Being no more room on the couch, he sat in front of it on the floor and took the controller when offered to him. 

He tried focusing on the game, but he was having so much trouble; no matter how many times the guys tried encouraging him. His gaze kept flickering to the clock- what felt like- every other second. He tried desperately to shove his anxiousness away, but he just couldn't; not when it felt like Zisteau had been in surgery forever. Beef kept giving him worried glances every so often, but didn't say anything. 

He sat down his controller, bringing his knees to his chest and resting his head on top of them; willing the shakiness to cease. He felt that feeling clawing away at him, that little urge that never seemed to end. He squeezed his eyes shut as tears stung them. 

"Kurt?" Beef asked, though his voice barely registered to him. 

All he could really hear was the pounding of his heart and his breaths, which he'd barely noticed had started coming out in raged gasps. His fingers clasped behind his head; knuckles white as he tried desperately to keep in control; which he knew he was failing at. And, his point was only further proved when he started loosing feeling in his feet and fingers; the numbness quickly spreading up his limbs as he squeezed his eyes shut tight, just wanting it all to end.


	9. Chapter 9

"Kurt... Shhhh... It's okay bud, it's okay." Came a soothing voice in his ear; the only other sound that actually registered to his clouded brain. 

"Breath Kurt, breath, it's okay." 

He shook his head violently. "It-it's not okay." He muttered, his voice almost lost because of its quietness. 

"Take a deep breath and hold it." The voice instructed calmly. 

He did as he was told and took a deep breath and held it.

"Count to ten and then release it." 

_One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten._ He counted slowly before releasing the air. 

"Good, good. One more time." 

He nodded as he took in another deep breath and counted to ten slowly before releasing it. He felt his breathing even out and his heart rate drop back to a, somewhat normal, pace. He opened his eyes slowly, glancing up slightly to see soft light brown curls and misty grey eyes full of concern and compassion. 

She put her hands on his arms. "See, you're okay." She says with a gentle voice. "Everything's okay." 

He just blinked, licking his dry lips, his voice caught in his thought, his mouth hanging open slightly. 

She smiled gently. "I know you're worried about Zisteau, but I can assure you he's perfectly fine." She says sweetly. 

"H-he is?" He asked, hope slowly entering his dull blue eyes, which were wide with fear.

"Yes, he is. He's in recovery right now, but very soon he'll be back in his room and you'll be able to see him." 

"His surgery went well....?" 

"It went very smoothly." 

He let out a deep, shuddering breath as he felt his body un-stiffen slightly; almost like all the tension was released. "Where'd the guys go...?" He asked, suddenly noticing the lac of the trio. 

"Well, Etho ran to find me and I told the three to leave because I know panic attacks are best handled in calm and quiet spaces." 

He nodded, not sure what to say. 

"Have you had panic attacks before?" She asked gently; misty grey eyes full of compassion. 

He nodded quickly. "Y-yeah... Multiple times." 

"How've you handled them in the past?" 

"Well... Umm..." He scratched the back of his neck anxiously. "Giving in to the urges...." 

"The urges?" 

"....Cutting...." 

She gently grabbed his hands, turning them over in her hands so she could see the freshly cut up wrists and the many faded scars. "These are recent... When?" 

"This morning..." He admitted awkwardly. 

"How?" 

"T-the razor..." 

"Damnit." She cursed quietly. "I told them not to put one of those in your room." She sighed, setting his hands down. "I'm taking those away from you. And I'm going to keep a closer eye on you. This is a habit we have to break." 

All he could do was nod, his gaze finding the ground, not wanting to see the disappointment in her eyes. A beep from her smart watch caught both of their attention. 

"Do you want to go see Zisteau?" She asks gently. 

He nodded quickly. "Yes.... Please... I need him." 

She gave him a sad smile, rubbing his back gently. "Let's go then." 

He shakily stands up, trying not to let the trembling that seemed to run through his whole body show too much. He walked beside her, as they left the room, heading for Zisteau's. She gave him an encouraging smile and left him to go in by himself. He took a deep breath, his hand resting shakily on the nob. He slowly pushed the door open; taking hesitant and shaky steps into the room. He couldn't help the sigh of relief that escaped his lips as tired blue-green eyes met his dull blue. 

"Hey." Zisteau croaked out, a small smile on his face as he slowly sat up, wincing slightly. 

His feet seemed like they were stuck to the ground, like he just couldn't move. "I-I..." Was all he could seem to say as tears rolled down his cheeks. 

"Come here." Zisteau says softly, beckoning the quiet boy closer. 

Somehow, he forced his feet to move and he slowly reached the edge of the bed. 

"It's okay beautiful." Zisteau says softly, voice still rough from the anesthesia, wiping a few tears away. 

"I-I was so worried." He somehow managed to say through the lump in his throat. 

"I know, but it's okay, I'm okay, and I'm not going anywhere anytime soon." 

He leaned into Zisteau's touch, finding comfort in it. "I-I know... Just hard to believe sometimes...." 

Zisteau took Kurt's hand in his, rubbing circles into the delicate skin. "That's understandable..." He started, but stopped mid sentence, his lips parted. "Kurt... Did you..?" He asked, flipping over Kurt's wrist, examining the damage. 

"I-I couldn't take it!" He sobbed, tears streaming down his cheeks, his eyes wide with fear.

"Hey, hey, it's okay." Zisteau cooed, caressing Kurt's cheek. 

"B-but...." 

"Shhh, it's okay, I promise." 

"A-aren't you mad...?" 

"Of course I'm not mad Kurt." Zisteau sent him a gentle smile. "I just want to know that you're okay.... Even if that did happen." 

"I had a panic attack..." His voice was broken and weak as he tried to speak.

"Oh.... But you're okay, right?" 

He nodded slowly. "As okay as I can be." He let out a deep breath, trying to calm his fried nerves.

"That's good, right?" 

He shrugged. "I-I just need a hug right now..." 

Zisteau gave him a sad smile. "I wish I could hug you and hold you for a while, but I can't. Doc says no physical contact for the rest of the day, and maybe part of tomorrow." 

"It's okay..." He takes Zisteau's hand, twining their fingers together gently and sitting on the chair that resided beside Zisteau's bed. "Just you being here is enough." 

That made a smile spread across Zisteau's perfect pale pink lips. "I'm glad me and my measly presence helps you." He couldn't help but chuckle lightly as the words left his lips. 

A small smile tugged at his lips. "I like your laugh." He commented quietly, his gaze flickering to the hand in his. 

"You know, I don't think I've heard you laugh yet." Zisteau commented, his gaze cast upon the broken boy that sat near him. 

"Guess I haven't had a reason to laugh... Not for a long time." 

Zisteau's smile faltered slightly. "Not since your parents?" He asked quietly, his voice gentle.

He nodded. "Y-yeah... Life's been kinda tough since then." 

"I can tell." Zisteau rubbed circles into the back of Kurt's hand. "You can see it in your face especially. You look exhausted." 

"I am..." 

"Not sleeping well either, I take it?" 

He shook his head. "I can never seem to sleep well." 

"Does Lauren know?" 

Another shake of the head. "No...." 

"You aren't gonna tell her, are you?" 

He shrugged. "I don't see the point..." 

"My father once told me." Zisteau started, his blue-green gaze on Kurt. "There's a solution to every problem, you've just gotta be open enough to find it." 

He blinked a couple of times, feeling rather confused. "How does that pertain to me?" 

"What I'm saying is; I know how you feel about yourself. I know you aren't happy with yourself, but if you try hard enough, you'll be able to find the solution to this problem." 

That word played through his head. Problem. That's all he was. One big problem. His shoulders slumped as that word seemed to play on repeat. 

"Hey now, it's okay." Zisteau says gently, sensing the slight change in Kurt's demeanor. 

He shook his head slightly. "It's not okay... I'm just a big problem..." 

"That is the farthest thing from the truth, Kurt. Yes, you have problems, but that doesn't make you a problem." 

He just sighed as he felt tears stinging his eyes. "Try telling that to anyone who's ever called me that..." 

"Who has called you that?" Zisteau asked gently, his head tilted slightly to the side. 

"My uncle." His gaze met Zisteau's briefly, but he couldn't hold that beautiful gaze for long. 

"Well your uncle, from what I've heard, isn't a super fantastic guy, and really has no right in calling you anything but perfect." 

"But I'm not perfect..." 

"In my eyes, you are." 

"How....?"

"I don't think there are even words I can say that'll even come close to explaining it."

"Not like I'd believe them anyway." He says, gaze cast down. 

"Hey now. Look at me, please?" Zisteau says, waiting for those beautiful blue eyes to meet his blue-green. "You're amazing and beautiful and I don't know how to convince you of this, but I promise I'll try my best to prove it to you."

"You can try, but it's not worth it... I'm not worth it." 

"You're are worth it." 

He let out a deep sigh. "It's just not worth trying Z, okay, just back off." He bit out, anger bubbling to the surface. 

Zisteau blinked a few times, confusion quickly replacing the worried look in his blue-green eyes. "I... I'm sorry?"

Suddenly tears were prickling at his eyes and he put his head in his hands, his heart squeezing. "I-I'm sorry!" He spoke quickly, his voice strained. "I'm so sorry." 

"Hey, it's okay." Zisteau spoke quietly. "What's wrong?" 

"Ever since they put me on that stupid medication I've been so irritable... And I hate it..." 

"God I wish I could hug you right now." Zisteau mumbled, giving Kurt's hand a gentle squeeze. "You'll have to talk to Lauren about this, you know." He commented a few moments later. 

He gulped, his eyes finding Zisteau's. "She'll probably just be more upset with me..." 

"Why's she upset with you, beautiful?" 

"She found out about the cutting..." 

"Oh Kurt, she's just worried about you, as am I. I just want you to be okay." 

"I want to be okay too..." His voice quiet, fragile, almost like he was just now finding this out. 

He wanted to be okay again. He wanted to be okay for Zisteau. He wanted that so much; much more than he'd ever realized before. 

"I-I want to be okay Zisteau.... I-I want to be okay." He said again, clutching at his boyfriend's hand. 

Zisteau couldn't help the grin that spread across his lips as his heart swelled with joy. "I'll be there every step of the way, beautiful." He spoke, his joy filling his voice as he gripped Kurt's hand in his own, his gaze holding the teary blue of his boyfriend.


End file.
